I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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