I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
