you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
