I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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