what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
