If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
did i just pee glitter
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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