foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
