life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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