I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
