I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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