textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
