you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
