If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
