she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you told grandpa to call you daddy
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So vagazzling was a success
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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