i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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