just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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