I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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