Jerry, you need to find god
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
