you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
