I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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