if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
