If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
