The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
