What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
