I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
