we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
