I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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