i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
