cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He passed out mid-signature
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
