So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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