one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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