Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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