Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
