she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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