The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
