I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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