I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
is wine microwaveable?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
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