Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
