You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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