I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
