I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
