Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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