Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
