doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
