How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
