im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
