Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
