Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
