Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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