So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
