Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
