ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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